Joshua A. Norton

WHEREAS, current conditions in the Middle East cannot be permitted to continue;
WHEREAS, We have the experience* and the motivation necessary to help the disputing parties come to resolve their differences in fairness and equanimity;
WE HEREBY offer Ourself as Mediator and final Arbitor in the much needed peace talks that must take place by Monday next.
FURTHER, We do hereby Order and Decree the United States miltary force to make such arrangements as would provide for our transportation, lodging, board and appropriate security measures at said talks.
Norton I, Emperor of the United States
Twenty-Sixth day of July, 2006

* His Majesty once offered a similar service to President Lincoln, wishing to avoid the conflict between the States. Sadly, the President never asked the Emperor to fulfill such a role. -Ed.