Whereas events of late throughout the world have become intolerable, and our previous Decrees have gone unheeded, We feel the need to discuss at this time the virtues of self restraint in all things. Nearly every issue debated today can be resolved by this simple philosophy - Tend Your Own Garden. It does not matter [...]
After watching closely the events taking place in the Holy Land, We are gratified to see that an international force is being assembled to quell hostilities in the region. However, We remain firm in our own belief that a resolution can, and will, only be had through civilized discussion, and gentlemanly debate. To this end, [...]
Upon receiving news of yet another earthquake striking the island nation of Indonesia, We are reminded of the blessings of geography bestowed upon these, Our United States. Our friends in that tumultuous country have endured many hardships of late and so, We extend every courtesy and offer such aid as is Ours to give in [...]
WHEREAS, current conditions in the Middle East cannot be permitted to continue;
WHEREAS, We have the experience* and the motivation necessary to help the disputing parties come to resolve their differences in fairness and equanimity;
WE HEREBY offer Ourself as Mediator and final Arbitor in the much needed peace talks that must take place by Monday next.
FURTHER, [...]
WHEREAS, a body of men calling themselves the National Congress are now in session in Washington City, in violation of our Imperial edict of the 12th of October 1859, declaring the said Congress abolished;
WHEREAS, it is necessary for the repose of our Empire that the said decree should be strictly complied with;
NOW, THEREFORE, we do [...]
We, Norton I, do hereby decree that the offices of President, Vice President, and Speaker of the House of Representatives are, from and after this date, abolished.*
We further decree that the Senate of the United States elect a prominent Democrat as their presiding officer, to act as President until the next election, and to reconstruct [...]
His Majesty is pleased to be in the company of one of his closest companions once again, and has asked that a previous Decree be reprinted here to express his gratitude and happiness. See the Mark Twain link below for relevant information -Ed.
I, Norton I, Hereby proclaim that Samuel Clemens, newspaperman, who also writes under [...]
WHEREAS, compliance with the previous Decree regarding this matter seems to have gone by the wayside, and certain subjects in our realm persist in flaunting their disdain for the proper name of the city of Saint Francis;
WHEREAS, this affront to the gentle ears of the dwellers of our fair city cannot be permitted to continue;
This, [...]
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory. [...]
WHEREAS, the country has been laboring of late under the yoke of oppressive price increases, in both goods and services, and such increases have been entirely the result of tensions in the Middle East, which one cannot reasonably expect to be resolved in the near future;
WHEREAS, our great Nation finds itself at the mercy of [...]