Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Posted by Roger Beckett
*Editor’s Note*
His Majesty has been under the weather recently, and has asked me to create a post documenting a typical day in the life of Norton the First. This was requested by a young lady that had written to the Emperor as an assignment by her teacher. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and there is also an Emperor Norton.
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7:00 a.m. The Emperor wakes to a breakfast of hot tea and biscuits, while perusing the morning paper.
8:00-10:00 a.m. After his morning bathing ritual, His Majesty takes time to answer, or to compose correspondence. He is well loved, both at home, by his subjects, and abroad, by the many heads of state that consult with him in times of need.
11:00 a.m.-1:00 p.m. Donning the Imperial wardrobe, the Emperor takes a morning stroll, to avail himself of the sights of the city of St. Francis, and to allow his subjects the opportunity to interact informally with their monarch.
1:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. After some Imperial business has been conducted, taxes levied or fines imposed, His Majesty will then proceed to one of his favored eating establishments for an extended luncheon and conversation with local dignitaries.
3:00 p.m.-5:00 p.m. An afternoon promenade, wherein the Emperor will inspect new buildings under construction, offer advice to the renovation of city parks, or simply stroll the streets of his fair city, in preparation for the evening’s repast.
5:00 p.m.-8:00 p.m. Selecting another restaurant under Imperial favor, the Emperor settles in for an evening of food, drink and cheerful conversation. If fortune smiles upon the events of the day, His Majesty may find himself in the company of dear friends such as Samuel Clemens, who is known to most people as Mark Twain. Then, the conversation can be quite lively and the time spent in such good companionship can last into the small hours of the night.
8:00 p.m.-9:00 p.m. After a lovely meal and discussions of many things, the Emperor bids his friends “Good tidings” for the evening and enjoys a walk in the cool night air. He returns to the Imperial residence and prepares to end his day in prayer and thought.
Posted by Roger Beckett
While it is true that we live in the most vexing time of this Age, and while it is also true that extraordinary measures must be taken, by both the members of our great nation’s constabulary and the masses of it’s citizenship, there are some tactics that exceed even the caution of the day. We are referring to the practice adopted in the past few years of eavesdropping on the private telephone conversations of ordinary law abiding citizens of these United States. The panic and turmoil following that dark September day in 2001, caused many to believe that such steps were necessary for the good of all. However, in the years that have passed between that day and this, an exercise in caution and self preservation seems to have become an excuse to stick a Federal nose into someone else’s business.
THEREFORE, it is our Decree that from this day forward, all illicit reception of telephone transmissions, whether they be from land based telephones or from those devices designed for wireless speech, shall cease, and that such information that has been collected during the operation of this policy shall not be held against those citizens that have committed no crime against King and Country.
Norton I, Emperor of the United States
Eighteenth day of August, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Posted by Roger Beckett
A suspect has finally been captured for the horrendous murder of little JonBenet Ramsey. While the wheels of Justice have, in this case at least, turned rather slowly, it is gratifying to know that the perpetrator of such a vicious and unforgivable act as this one may be facing his due in the very near future.
After much consideration, it has been deemed that the laws of the land, especially where they concern crimes against women and children, are woefully inadequate and need revision to render the utmost in protection for potential victims, and provide the proper dissuasion to those who would enact such atrocities upon them.
THEREFORE, it is our Decree, that from this day forth, any individual convicted of a crime of violence against a child or against a woman, after due process of the Law, shall be sentenced to death, the method of which shall be determined by the nature of the crime and by the wishes of the victim.
Norton I, Emperor of the United States
Sixteenth day of August, 2006
Posted by Roger Beckett
The cease fire has begun in Lebanon, surely the first important step on the long and arduous road to peace in that corner of the world. We welcome this change and expect many more days of progress in the near future. The leaders of each country involved in this struggle may avail themselves of our counsel at such time as they deem appropriate, in an effort to retain the good faith already begun and to further pave the way between aggrieved parties.
Norton I, Emperor of the United States
Fifteenth day of August, 2006
Posted by Roger Beckett
It would seem that the dictator of Cuba is making a full recovery from recent surgery. We can only hope that this episode has taught him the value that should be placed on life, and that in the future, this new found appreciation will lead to the better treatment of his subjects.
Norton I, Emperor of the United States
Fourteenth day of August, 2006
Posted by Roger Beckett
We are pleased that the two sides have finally come to their respective senses and agreed to a ceasing of hostilities this Monday next. It is our hope and wish that they see the error of procuring lasting peace through the use of unnecessary force, and that this marks the beginning of a new understanding between the factions.
We offer our every resource and again, stress the importance of continued discussion rather than the use of violence in what has become an extremely unhospitable place for the common man.
As always, the Imperial resources shall be available to render such humanitarian aid as is required to the stricken peoples of each side.
Norton I, Emperor of the United States
Thirteenth day of August, 2006
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Posted by Roger Beckett
It is a shame that decent citizens, those who have never, nor ever shall, harm another human being, are being subjected to treatment the likes of which have heretofore only been applied to common criminals. Asked to remove clothing, discard items of a personal nature, even withholding mother’s milk from infants, all due to the recent capture of airline terrorists.
The burden should not now be placed upon the shoulders of the traveling public, but rather squarely on the heads of those who would bring terror to our skies.
THEREFORE, as such circumstances are untenable, unjust, and un-American, We hereby do Decree and Declare that the appropriate authorities shall, from this day forth, exercise such measures as would protect the airline travelers, eliminate the threat from terrorism and make the flying experience once again free from fear and the humiliation of search and seizure of personal belongings.
Norton I, Emperor of the United States
Tenth day of August, 2006
Wednesday, August 9, 2006
Posted by Roger Beckett
It is with great sadness that we receive this news from those who care for our Statue of Liberty. The decision has been made by those caretakers, that access to the crown for the purposes of viewing such glorious vistas as are spread out before her, shall continue to be denied to the general public. This continues the policy necessitated by the horrendous deeds of 11th September, 2001.
With five years between that black day and this present time, it is our most fervent wish that the need for these precautions has been eradicated, and those who would perform such despicable acts be driven from our shores, never to return.
And when safety and confidence has been restored, a sure and certain sign of that indomitable spirit shall be those people gazing with wonder and pride from Lady Liberty’s brow once again.
Norton I, Emperor of the United States
Ninth day of August, 2006
Posted by Roger Beckett
We are pleased that Our Imperial domain will be growing in the near future*, thanks to the tireless efforts of the engineers charged with the task of shoring up and increasing the landmass that surrounds the fair city of New Orleans. The citizens of that fine city shall enjoy increased protection from the elements and the bounty of that location, both in terms of tourist trade and the naturally abundant goodness from the sea.
We commend those involved in this reconstruction.
Norton I, Emperor of the United States
Eighth day of August, 2006
*His Majesty is referring to the process whereby dredged soil from the Mississippee River will be used as fertile landfill in the areas harmed by Hurricane Katrina. -Ed.
Posted by Roger Beckett
After viewing with much delight the triumphant outing at this week-ends golfing contest, We are pleased to recognize and celebrate this milestone in the career of the winner, Tiger Woods. He serves as a shining example of strength of character, determination in the face of adversity, and illustrates in exemplary fashion, the good fortune that falls upon those who work tirelessly in pursuit of lofty goals.
We Hereby Proclaim and Declare Tiger Woods Ambassador of the noble sport of Golf to these United States, and request that he, from this day forward, be the beacon of fair play and sportsmanship throughout the world.
Norton I, Emperor of the United States,
Seventh day of August, 2006